I know what are mine.
But some didn't.
The selfish ones decided to play me out.
If shit happens in the end, I knew what to do.
I'm gonna play that person till that person regrets of his choices as a selfish bastard.
I am gonna make sure that person has the most miserable life ever.
I am gonna make sure that person will never ever get back up and stand up again.
I seriously fucking hate these sort of people who try to tear my time and energy away with the stupidest thing ever.
I want to kill.
If I have the license to kill, I know who to kill. Emotionally; I meant.
Sorry for the vulgarity. I am damn stressed out and I just needed to rant out. We'll see what happened soon ok?
Friday, October 29, 2010
I know what are mine.
Posted by Sue Me at 4:48:00 PM
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Listening and singing along some songs somehow cheer me up when I am feeling emotional. I shouldn't be emotional. It's unhealthy, after all. I didn't mean to go all emotional. Something triggered me. Something that I was bitter about since gazillion years ago. Some people might have know why I am bitter about these anyway. It doesn't matter what the conflict is; but the person behind this conflict was something I was bitter about. I would have prefer if this person never existed in my life. Perhaps I won't even have such conflict. A struggle between my sanity and maturity was just unbearable.
I was taught to forgive and forget. I did learn and I picked up that quite fast. But sometimes, things in life are somehow so hard to be forgotten. I forgot what was the reason behind such hatred towards a person. Maybe because I was just bitter and competitive. Seriously, I, myself think it's damn bullshit and immature of me to feel bitter over something that is definitely not worth it. But I just had to feel bitter about it because I just felt challenged by such force that I dislike so much. And maybe because this person gets all the attention that should be showered to me. As childish as it sounded, I deserved those attention for all I did to become who I am today.
I am very, very stubborn. Where do I get such traits? My grandfather maybe; I don't know. I am realistic too. I don't like the idea where people tried to outsmart me with a little knowledge of theirs. It doesn't matter to me if you believe that you have a better degree than me; more education than me and somehow believed that you are better than me. It didn't matter to me. I know my abilities and I'll keep my mouth shut with whatever I am capable about. I sometimes jokingly boast about it; it was after all jokes. I don't go all serious about people's compliments and praises towards a talent or whatsoever. I am not. I might sound humble but trust me; deep down in my heart; my ego is bigger than Big Bang Theory. Who am I to judge myself? And of course, I do not like to be judge either especially when it comes to negative remarks.
I have my flaws and I admit my flaws. I knew people in my life that tries so hard to be perfect and flawless. Please.. nobody is perfect. Don't go all " I know everything and you don't" to me because I know some things better and you just don't. So what if I am fragile and sensitive? At least, I am proud of myself. I don't pretend to be someone I am not and please everyone that comes my way. I know it's important to make connections but then again, there are so many people in this world; why please the ones that do not deserve it? Oh well.. life sucks eh? I am accepting this reality very well ever since I grew up to be this stubborn me. I am still stubborn but I tried real hard to keep quiet about everything that I dislike. Come on.. who likes to listen to whine?
It ain't easy to be nice. It takes a lot of practices to be one. I usually do not fake my niceness because I am naturally friendly and nice. I know.. I know.. self praise.. it makes me happy so who the hell are you to tell me who I am. Right or not? I knew that I am not that lovable nor likable as compared to some people. But you know what.. I am real. I am me. I don't go seek attention and all. I don't care if people hates me for being me. At least, I know I have myself to depend on when shit happens. Oh well.. it's bitter to be me. But I did add some sugar and other nice sweet stuffs to make myself as sweeter or whoever I want to be. Personally, I was never a fan of sweet stuffs.
Anyway, nobody will understand me. And please don't come up to me and tell me shits about your understanding about me and my life. It's the most absurd thing I have heard in my entire 23 years of life. If my parents have trouble understanding me, do you think someone, anyone would read me? Not even if you are some shrink. Unless you are God. I suggest you keep your mouth shut about my life. It's mine. Lay your hands and your mouth away from my life!
Bet you didn't know who is the "you" I was referring to eh? It's for me to know and never for you to know. This blog is seriously turning emotional but oh well.. it's mine. I am blogging under my own jurisdiction. Who the heck are you to tell me what to write? And I am definitely not perfect but I know I am perfect in His Eyes.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
I think it was a Diana Ross' song. Was it?
Anyway, I have been thinking about my future again. Nothing much to do hence plenty of time to think. Actually, I have aplenty to do but I decided I needed a break from the hectic and crazy world of mine. Second last semester is busy, busy. Maybe not that busy but busy enough to make me burn midnight oil.
I can't wait to complete my degree which is less then seven months away. And then I am definitely looking forward to start a new phase of my life. I can't wait to build my career so I can finally provide for my family. I always wanted to provide for both my parents and my baby sister. My parents work hard enough to give me the best and I believe it is my turn to do so for them. I always wanted to spend on them for holidays and whatever they wish to have. And of course, my baby sister. As most people knew, I always want the best education for my baby sister to learn and improve. It's sad to say that she is not receiving what is necessary and important and I want to provide the best for her. She is my only baby sister and I love her dearly. It might sound really corny about providing for family and all because most people I knew can't wait to spend their money on houses, cars and many other wants of theirs. Of course, I do want to get my own house and all but family comes first.
And of course, the ambitious me wants to finally spoilt 20 cents. He is the one always spoiling me with gifts and meals though I knew he is not exactly earning a proper salary now. He is still doing his internship and interns usually don't get good pays. I think I promised him that I'll bring him to Sydney when I am loaded with extra cash. I think my ideal way of wealth comes from spoiling and providing for my loved ones. To see them happy probably would be the happiest thing for myself. And the second priority would be providing for myself. With properties prices all hike up, it seems impossible to get my own property but with God's blessings, I know I can do this. :)
I have so much to achieve and I damn well know I can do it. With Him blessing me, I am good to go :) Actually, I have so much to tell but I forgot most of the things once I am distracted with other things. Hmm..
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
20 cents' Mom asked me to claim Psalm 91 everytime I walk to college. So I look up in the Bible and I found Psalm 91. It's a rather long passage but the first two verses are the one that caught my attention.
1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. a]">
2 I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust."
I pray every morning before I walk to classes for protection and safety. I am currently living in a place where safety is the most concerning issue ever. I have always fear for my own safety. To make it worse, listening to stories from my peers about them getting rob and all was definitely unfun. It somehow leave a mark in me to tell me to be more careful. I was a paranoid when it comes to all these things.
But once I joined church and became a believer, these things somehow mellow down because I have Him to protect me. I pray every morning for protection because He will definitely protect me from any harm. But now that I learned that Psalm 91 is the passage that I should claimed hence me trying to memorize it for myself. I am very grateful that God protects me whenever I go and definitely very blessed that I have Him in my life. Thank you Jesus!
Another irrelevant part of this post
I am always rather vague about my future especially that I am graduating in another seven months. I always assume that people would not be able to see me and my talent/personality if I were to pursue in journalism field. Most writing jobs require experience and as a fresh graduate to be; it ain't easy for me to get a good paying job. I always thought of all these because I just want to know how is it like to be a writer. I guess I really love writing. I can write there and then. I can complete my Communication papers easily for sure.
I was chatting Nyet yesterday and he proved me wrong of my assumptions. I like to assume and 20 cents always say I am an assumer. I know it's damn wtf; because I always go all emo with 20 cents with him assuming me as a person. I know assuming and assumptions are uncool. Nyet was encouraging me by telling me that I am talented in writing and I should pursue in writing again when I graduate next year. I might not have experience but I can show some my writing as portfolio. Pretty good idea eh?? Even 20 cents is supporting me morally. It made me feel very grateful that sometimes in life, all these small, small supports are the things that made me grateful to be who I am.
Monday, October 18, 2010
I remembered learning radio codes from 20 cents since like gazillion years ago but my memory kept on failing on certain alphabets. Anyway, I refreshed my memory again last weekend with the alphabets because I was *cough* toying with 20 cents' radio. Those radio people were talking in Bahasa Melayu and it was fascinating listening to all these things. I think I'm gonna get my license once I graduate and of course, with a little extra time and cash for this. I want to do so many things!
I even searching and listening to all sorts of options for my phase of life. Have been planning some stuffs on; I am hoping to have the best for my future. Let's hope that the world does not end on 2012 or I will be damn pissed off! Anyway, whatever it is, I'll make use of my time and energy and whatever that comes my way. I know I can do this. I just need to be very focus and of course, be optimistic. I am looking forward to that phase of life. Yay!
On the other note, 20 cents and I will be celebrating our 2nd year anniversary in another month. It's not that long but it felt like forever because it felt as if I knew since forever. It's great to know that I have him as support and the other half. I know it's rather hard for him to tolerate with *cough* unique personality but I know he loves me for who I am as how I love him as who he is.
20 cents, I just want you to know that ....
India Lima Oscar Victor Echo Yankee Oscar Uniform!
Next month, let's celebrate in Omitsu Koshi?
Friday, October 15, 2010
I was bored though I am actually occupied with aplenty of work. I got no mood to do it because I am having bad mood. Mood swings more like it.. damn..
Was in Putrajaya Marriot
I was playing with Adobe Photoshop because there isn't any because. I always wanted to learn more about it. I am quite alright with Adobe Illustrator though. In fact, I got A for my Graphic Design class last semester; using Illustrator. I know.. I know.. what a show off! I am..blek!
Test and tried with CS3
I want to get books on Adobe!! Where to get eh? I never seen any before. Hmm..
Anyway, here are some pictures of me.. in case anyone forgot how I looked like. I feel handicapped without a camera. It feels weird not to have camera with me when I attend weddings or even events. It's as if I do not know how to use a camera now. FML. I want a new camera!!
During Francis + Geri's church wedding
Pictures are taken from Facebook from all sort of sources. And all thanks to Steph for the nice collage :)
Thursday, October 14, 2010
I been to Snowflakes a couple of time with 20 cents and my friends. I wasn't really obsessed with it until two weekends ago. Francis brought us to the newly opened Snowflakes in Kota Damansara and we were hooked. We went on both days on that weekend. And we had like about 10 bowls of drinks and desserts. It wasn't only the desserts but also the companions la.. I had 20 cents with me. So obviously it was fun. *cough* And I don't have to pay. *cough* 20 cents paid.
Sea Amber Jelly
I think Snowflakes is like my latest obsession. I was all crazy about Bubble Tea about a month ago for weeks. I always wanted to have Bubble Tea with extra pearls when I am out with 20 cents or my friends. And it went on and on and on until Snowflakes came into the picture. Now I have a new addiction. Hello Snowflakes!! If you ask me, I bias a bit la.. I prefer the one in Kota Damansara than SS15 because the portions are larger and the ambiance seems to be nicer and so much better.
Best Seller (Taro Balls)
Anyway, I just had Snowflakes with 20 cents. We had Coco Loco, Taro Series with Red Beans, Peanuts and Grass Jelly, Sea Amber Jelly and Fruit Tea. Coco Loco is obviously my new favorite after the Best Sellers. I like how chewy was the sweet potatoes and yam balls went together with the chewy Stringz. Yummy!! And Fruit Tea is the greatest drink I ever had this semester. With such weather, I can have a few glasses of Fruit Teas where you can chew on those Passion Fruit seeds. Great or what? So great la..
I can eat those for breakfast, lunch, dinner and supper. Maybe not.. but it was rather filling though. Must be the balls! Or the liquid or the ice. I have no clue but I definitely want to bersnowflake again. Maybe I should wait for the newly weds to be back and we shall bersnowflake together-gether.
3 bowls and 1 drink. Burp!
Now now, who wants to go Snowflake with me? Let's go!
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
I have been having hard times trying to sleep. I can't sleep at all. I can't nap in the afternoon. I can't even sleep at night. I have no idea what is wrong with me but I think I am suffering from insomia now. Probably the severe one because I didn't even consume any caffeine products. And my stress level should be alright because crazy assignments and projects will only start next week. And I am keeping track of whatever I am doing; things should be alright. I think..
I had a great tea session with 20 cents and his friends. Lunch was good though really, really small portion. I think Pork Noodles is getting smaller. Oh well.. as long as it somehow satisfied my taste buds, I am alright with it though they forgot to put in the runny egg yolk for me. I remembered telling the lady three times that I want to add egg but she forgot. Oh well.. it's alright. Had dinner with 20 cents and his family in RSGC and I had a lot of food. Had Italian and took a bit of here and there of the food. And I am so full that I can't feel my tummy.
Then, 20 cents dropped me home. I took a nice shower and then my horror begins. I connected to the Internet but none of my pages are loading. To top up, my connection is so slow that a snail could finish a race and my page has not even loaded yet. It was so horrible. It has been like this for days. I paid my bills at the beginning of the month too but I get crappy connection. It irritates me like a lot especially when I need to do my work. The campaigns start next week and I am not done with my work. I called the hotline and they gave me predictable solutions. Sigh.. I can't change my plan because I am under contract for a year. FML.
I was angry and still a little pissed because this telco is being kinda bitchy lately with their connections. I can't load anything at all. It pissed me off because I had to do my work. If I didn't have to do my work, I wouldn't have give a damn about it. But then again, for the amount I paid, I expected better services and connection from them but I got the opposite of whatever promised. I can actually sue them with their so-called great promotions and promises when I first signed up but the promises are not fulfilled. Let's just say.. everyone has been complaining about this telco and I can see the inefficiency of their customer service which I have to wait like forever for them to pick up my calls and give me answers that I knew. Very, very inefficient and inconsistent. I am so disappointed. And I am still very, very disappointed.
But then again, there is no point of getting angry of things that I could not fix. I paid and all. But they decided to lose a loyal customer over here. I can't stop them from doing so. I will definitely change into a better telco once the contract is over. I do not see why I should be loyal when I am getting shit loads of bad connection and bad customer service. All sorts of promotions and promises when I first signed up with them are mostly empty promises. Anyway, this has nothing to do with whatever I was supposed to blog about. This somehow came along when I wanted to write about the reasons of me being unable to fall asleep since two weeks ago. It's not even fun at all knowing that I have trouble sleeping. The weather wasn't being helpful either because it's so hot but I am not allowed to switch on the air conditioner. Why you ask? Don't ask. I rather not say...
I just knew that I am about six months away from completing my degree. My ambition is to graduate and move away from this place that I dislike so much. And then, get my own place and have my own career. Maybe I'll get marry and start my own family. But then, I am way too young to be talking about that though I really want to speed up those chapters in my life. I can wait. I am rather patient. But if the world decided to end in 2012, I will be so pissed off because I won't be able to enjoy those challenges and blessings that come my way on Earth. We'll see..
Monday, October 11, 2010
I attended a joyous wedding for THREE days in a row. It was tiring but so much of fun and joy! I think it's like THE wedding of the year. I want my wedding to be something like that too but maybe not so many people because my family is uber small. Hahaha..
Anyway, it was Francis and Geri's wedding. FYI, Geri is 20 cents' cousin sister who is born a month plus after him and Francis is 20 cents' kawan baik from church. Everyone is related to everyone. I got to know Francis and Geri from 20 cents; of course.. like a year plus ago. Though I knew them for a short period of time, it felt as if I knew them since forever. As corny as it might have sounded, I actually look up to both of them as someone who I can definitely rely on if I ever need advices besides 20 cents, of course.
Seeing them tying knots in church last Saturday was really happy because they have been together for seven years. And they are going to start a new chapter of their lives together. It's like fairytale but theirs is definitely dreams come true. And the wedding banquet was beautiful. I teared a little during the slide shows and during the speeches. I am touched with such a joyous occasion hence the tears. It was nice to have them to invite me to their big day and I am honored to be part of it. I was helping out as chimui and ushers. Nothing big deal but me being the newbie in registeration; I marked all the red packets wrongly. So paiseh can.. aiyo..
Anyway, I just want to wish Francis and Geri...
See you soon after your honeymoon. *ahem* Souvenirs *ahem* Ok.. kidding kidding.. you guys should get babies soon so I can kacau him/her in Sunday School! I promise I won't teach your kid bad things.
Other irrelevant things to tell
I was so kiasu during the weekend that I was lugging my Chemistry textbook everywhere I went during the wedding. And the awesome me left the textbook after the banquet yesterday at the hotel. Smarty pants me eh? I was so worried that I didn't study enough during the weekend so I purposely wake up early to study before the test. Spent a few hours in Mcd with teeth decaying drinks and unhealthy meal.
I prayed before I opened my test paper. And God was great. He gave me wisdom and guide me through the exam. And surprisingly I know how to answer most questions. As for now, I am gonna chill and wait for the results. I know He is doing great things for me. So yea.. Thank you Jesus!
Today has been a greeeaaaatttt day despite the lack of sleep. And now I am gonna go layan my Facebook games that I was deprived of. Dad suggested that I should stay away from it but this is my ONLY entertainment. I need to Bejeweled to stop myself being stressed out. So yea.. Dad, please don't suggest this anymore or your daughter will fall into depression. Hahaha.. ok..maybe not that bad..
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
I love reading. I love suspense fiction because it makes me want to finish the book before I start another new book. I always wanted to buy books because it feels better to read books that I bought. Be it new or second hand book; I just love to own good books. I have been raving about Jodi Picoult's ever since I won the very first book of hers from Red Fm. My Sister's Keeper was my very first Jodi Picoult book and I love it!
And my collection grew a little bit more. I owned Keeping Faith, Salem Falls and Plain Truth. That's four lovely books, I tell you. And I borrowed Geri's The Pact. I tell you.. I didn't want to put down the book once I started reading it because it was just tooooooooo kan cheong. I finished the book in a day. And I only stopped when I needed to go to the toilet. If not, I would have just read and read.
And best of all, when my parents came to visit last month, we were supposed to meet at Pavillion and obviously, they were late because of the horrid jam in KL. So I wandered around alone and I stumbled into Times Bookstore. I got these crazy obsession towards books so I walked in. Grabbed a nice Jodi Picoult book called House Rules and read a few chapters till my parents called. I so wanted to get the book but it's damn expensive. Damn.. why are books so freaking expensive in Malaysia? WHY???!!!
Anyone wants to get me her awesome books so I can have the complete set of her books? Christmas gifts perhaps??? I read a few chapters of House Rules and I can't wipe off those pages off my head. HLML??!!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
The title probably has nothing to do with whatever I am going to write about. Best of all, I should be doing my thesis researches which I have to submit in an hour or so. I just sent out a bunch of emails for my other class project. Gosh.. I can't wait for this semester to end because I need a break from all these. It's so hard to juggle with so many things. People often stereotype that women can multitask very well. It was kinda true but it doesn't apply to all women. I used multitask quite well until now. I think I am too old for the multitasking and juggling thingy. I should learn to slow down but slowing down means decreasing my productivity. HLML??
Friday, October 1, 2010
It's another week before my mid term exam. I only got a paper to conquer so I guess it isn't so bad though finals might kill me. But it's alright. I am willing to accept whatever that is coming my way. After all, challenges and obstacles make life a little sweeter; I think. It doesn't matter it's sweet or bitter or whatever taste that comes along. I'll accept it. I was a little emotional over the week; most probably because of the woman mood swings shit. Or maybe it was the imbalance of hormones. I am a woman after all. I think I am allowed and deserved to be emotional once in awhile. I didn't kill anyone in that process. I guess I was alright.
This semester must be the most hectic one I ever had. I had crazy ones in my previous semester but this semester, everything seems a lot. I have projects, thesis and of course, assignments top up with the cherry of the ice cream, EXAMS! I sometimes complain about the heavy workload because I am a human and I guess complaining is fine as long as I am doing my work. I think. I got this really bad impression towards this lecturer of mine in my previous semesters because of some apparent reasons. I failed or he failed me. But then again, I was thinking about why do I kept on focusing on the negative things about this lecturer of mine. I mean.. he is just doing his work and his responsibilities as a lecturer.
I kept on blaming this lecturer and thinking that the lecturer is messing with me and my grades. To think of it, this lecturer wasn't exactly that bad. I mean.. those projects given somehow is a good way for me to learn about event management. I am not exactly the greatest leader or planner ever but it does open my eyes to some things that I am actually capable of doing. And of course, the stress that I am going through might be a lot but managing it well somehow made me glad that I can do a great job too. You know what people say about silver linings behind dark clouds? I suck at proverbs. But I do learn that sometimes in life, I just see things from a side. Perhaps looking at the bright and positive side would make me learn things and of course, to scrap away the bad impression towards this lecturer of mine. Seriously, I no longer has bad impression towards him because it was indeed a great way for me to learn about life and of course, the world outside me. Maybe I would take these lessons with me when I start the other phase of life in approximately 7 months or so.
The only things that I would complain are probably the MIA group members of mine and of course, my procrastination habits. I got 2 MIA group members. One of them probably went back to his country or dropped this subject. I have no clue. The other asked me to send emails and all to her and she will do this and that for me. Her promises were empty. You know.. like tin kosong.. that goes clunk clunk clunk. Yeah.. that.. and we had a meeting after class the other day. She claimed that she was sick and all. Fine, I accept that reason. I'm not a mean person. I could totally understand that but not replying my text messages for a week plus. Unacceptable! Come on la.. how sick can you be? Don't tell me that you are so sick that you can't reply my text messages. If you are able to attend classes, I don't see why is replying text messages such a hard task. Oh well.. it's alright. I am the leader and I got the rights to write about my opinions of my group members for the evaluation thing at the end of the project. I am not being mean but I cannot accept such behavior in my group. The others did a great job in helping out and all but why can't she do the same? Sick is not a good excuse if you ask me. So what if you are sick? You can still text me and let me know. I am not saying that I am forcing her to do work but I just want a reply that you read my email and text messages. I want some confirmation, at least. Gosh!
I just blur out a little too much information but then again, I couldn't accept such behavior in my group. I might be applying some dictatorship in my leadership skills but I just want to make sure everything goes on smoothly without much problems and of course, I hate last minute work. I know everyone has their own stuffs to do with other classes and all. I have the same thing too but I seriously do not appreciate weak excuses like that. I am busy too. I got so much to do and I have not once raise my voice to them though I was a little angry. As immature as it sounded like, when it comes to work, nobody shall procrastinate especially when you are working with a group. It's not funny to be like having wtf campaigns when you are supposed to create awareness to people about what we are doing. It's not a joke. I need time to chill a little from this. I'll still do the work but this drama and conflict, I simply didn't like to handle it because it's so immature for one to come out with lame excuses. Blah..
I never work so much in my entire life before. Maybe it's because I am graduating and I was so excited to start the new phase of my life. I am seriously very anxious about graduation. Oh well.. it'll come to me soon. I just need to put in more efforts in my work and work a little harder. I think I am good to go. As for now, weekend is here. I am gonna enjoy and rest a little with the kids in Sunday School and of course, dinners with 20 cents and his family and friends. Pretty awesome weekend of mine right? But of course, I need 20 cents to tutor me in Chemistry because I am rather weak in it. I think I need to work extra hard in my studies too because not only Chemistry, I think I might struggle in my Finance class too. But then again, I have Him helping and guiding me. I believe this would be an awesome semester of mine. He is doing His Signs and Wonders on me. I can feel His Presence!
As for now, it's time for some Bejeweled Blitz. I kicked 20 cents' ass in this game. And I helped him play so that he could score higher. And yes, the high score he is currently holding is played by me.